When children are fed, educated and protected, we assume they are fine. But what happens when their feelings have no place at home?

By Anjum J Parveen, Novelist | NLP Practitioner

A child comes home upset. Perhaps a friend excluded them, a teacher corrected them in front of the class, or something happened that they cannot explain. Before the child finishes speaking, an adult says, “Forget it,” “You are overreacting,” or “This is nothing compared with real problems.”

The conversation ends. The feeling does not.

Many children grow up in homes where their physical needs are met. There is food, school, clothing, tuition, medical care and concern for their future. Yet a child can receive all of this and still feel emotionally alone. Have we mistaken providing for a child for understanding one?

Parenting is often measured by visible effort: money spent on education and plans for a child’s future. Emotional care is harder to display. It happens in daily moments: when a parent listens without interrupting, takes a child’s fear seriously, or allows disagreement without turning it into disrespect.

In many homes, children are expected to be obedient before they are taught how to understand themselves. They are told not to cry, not to answer back, not to question elders and not to make a scene. Their anger is called attitude. Their questions are treated as challenges. Their sadness is dismissed as drama. Adults may intend to teach discipline, but a child can learn a different lesson: some feelings are unacceptable, and honesty comes with a price.

Children need boundaries, guidance and consistency. But discipline should teach a child how to make better choices, not make them afraid to speak. Respect cannot mean that only one person in a family is allowed to have a voice.

The effects can follow children into adolescence and adulthood. A child who is repeatedly dismissed may stop sharing problems. Another may become desperate for approval, frightened of mistakes or unsure how to say no. Some learn to hide disappointment behind good behaviour. Others express distress through arguments, withdrawal or declining confidence. These responses have many possible causes; no single behaviour proves what is happening inside a child. But they should invite curiosity, not immediate judgement.

There is another contradiction in modern parenting. We worry about marks, competition, online exposure and the company children keep. We monitor their schedules closely, yet sometimes know very little about what they are afraid to tell us. We ask, “How much did you score?” more readily than “What was difficult about today?” We notice a drop in performance before we notice a loss of confidence.

Children do not need perfect parents. They need adults who can recognise when they are wrong, apologise without making excuses and return to a difficult conversation. A parent saying, “I should not have spoken to you that way,” does not weaken authority. It shows that accountability belongs to adults too.

Listening also requires restraint. Not every problem needs an immediate lecture, comparison or solution. Sometimes a child needs to finish a sentence. Sometimes they need reassurance that telling the truth will not automatically bring punishment. If a child shares something serious, adults must respond calmly, take it seriously and seek appropriate support rather than dismissing it or making the child carry it alone.

Parents are not the only people responsible. Schools, relatives and other caregivers shape the emotional world children inhabit. A school that humiliates a struggling student, or a family that mocks a child’s vulnerability, can undo the safety that one attentive adult is trying to build. Protecting childhood requires more than telling children to be resilient. It requires adults to examine the environments they create.

Perhaps we should ask different questions at home. Does my child feel safe telling me the truth? Can they disagree without fearing rejection? Do I know what makes them anxious, not just what makes them successful? When they make a mistake, do they expect guidance or humiliation?

A child’s childhood is not a rehearsal for the life adults have planned. It is their life, happening now. Marks will change, schools will end and ambitions will evolve. But the experience of being heard, or repeatedly silenced, can shape how a person approaches relationships and their own worth.

We say we want confident children. Confidence cannot grow only from praise for achievement. It also grows when a child learns that a mistake does not erase their value, that feelings can be spoken about, and that love is not withdrawn whenever they disappoint someone.

Before asking whether we are raising successful children, perhaps we should ask whether we are raising children who feel safe being themselves.

Because a child should not have to become silent to be considered well raised.

About Anjum J Parveen: Anjum J Parveen is a novelist and NLP practitioner whose writing interrogates human behaviour, social attitudes and contemporary realities. Her articles address mental health, parenting, gender equality, childhood and institutional accountability, questioning entrenched assumptions and bringing overlooked concerns into public debate. Her work combines psychological insight with a critical examination of society and its responsibilities.

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